Cocktails: The TurdFart Deluxe

Beth makes alcoholic beverages for a living. I drink alcoholic beverages on a regular basis, but am by no means skilled at creating or making them. So when I create a drink, it's a momentous occasion, but then I name it after I've done some taste testing and it all goes to shit. And so I give you my first alcoholic beverage creation, the TurdFart Deluxe.

When Beth and I lived in Chicago, we had ready access to grocery stores that served the plentiful Hispanic and Latin American population of our neighborhood. My grandmother is Mexican; when I was growing up in Northwestern Indiana, my grandma would take me to the supermercado and we'd do some shopping. I ended up with a decent understanding of Mexican cuisine for a kid who was three-fourths gringo. The markets in Chicago, however, cater to more diverse population than our Mexican-American corner of Northwestern Indiana, so it was always a joy to visit the markets and see what things from my childhood I could find, and discover things that I'd never encountered before. This is how I discovered malta.

Malta is a lightly carbonated malt beverage. In essence, it is unfermented beer. It's sweet and has a molasses flavor to it, almost like a richer, better Yoo-hoo. It's popular primarily in the Caribbean, though it's also enjoyed in a lot of Latin American countries, which explains its appearance in the markets I frequented in Chicago. Actually, though, the beverage is German in origin, where it's known as Malzbier and was originally used as a fortifying drink for The Olds, nursing mothers, etc in the 1950s. Modern versions of the beverage (as with modern versions of most things) add high fructose corn syrup and the like, which, you know, okay, whatever. It's clearly not my preference, but to some extent it can't be avoided, especially if you live in an area where malta is a scarce commodity and there's only one brand available. I plan on making my own at some point since I haven't been able to find my favorite brands since moving to Kansas City.

I drank a lot of malta in Chicago. I mean A LOT. One day Beth had decided to make French Onion Soup (recipe forthcoming), which calls for brandy. We don't usually keep brandy around, and there was a bit left over, so I decided in the midst of my malta fervor to try to combine the two. I maybe had to make three or four of them before I got the balance right, but I figured it out eventually, and was sloshed enough by the end of the endeavor that I christened my concoction the TurdFart Deluxe, on account of why the hell shouldn't I. This week, since Beth was going to make French Onion Soup for y'all, I thought I'd embarrass myself by sharing my horribly-named but delicious beverage.

Here's what you need:

1.5 oz of brandy (basically one shot glass full)

5 oz malta

A tiny bit of chocolate syrup

Mint leaves to garnish (optional, but you better do it)

I had to use Malta Goya for this drink, which is maybe my least favorite brand, though that's roughly equivalent to saying that the sphynx is my least favorite cat. It's all cats, folks. It's all cats. (But seriously, if you can get some Malta Hatuey or Pony Malta, you better do it)

You have a cocktail shaker? If you do, bust it out, toss a couple of ice cubes in it, toss in your ingredients (except the mint leaves) and give it a few shakes. The malta is lightly carbonated, so you might get a little bit of spray. I know you can handle it in the name of delicious. Strain it into a glass and garnish if you're an intelligent person who understands that garnish is important.

Don't have a shaker? It's fine. The shaker gives it a nice froth on top, but it's not completely necessary. You can still just mix all the stuff together in a glass and drop in a couple of ice cubes. Boom. 

Strangely enough, Beth and I were digging through a book of forgotten cocktails a couple of weeks ago and discovered a drink called The Chatham Hotel Special that has a relatively similar bunch of flavors going on. So it turns out I'm pretty much a booze savant. Deal with that.